And we respond with a personal experience or anecdote
We’re not trying to make the conversation about ourselves.
Most times (at least with me), I have to find an experience within myself that is similar to what you’ve described
So I can furnish an appropriate emotional reaction to what you’re experiencing.
It’s sort of like when you ping an IP address to fix a faulty Wi-Fi connection.
It’s not personal, it’s just how I navigate Feelings™.
This is how many people on the Autism spectrum express empathy. We don’t say things like “You must have felt so…” like neurotypical people are used to. To us, that comes across as presuming to know. We look to when we felt something that seems similar, and offer that experience. That lets the other person decide whether we truly know how they feel.
When I do this I am trying to show you that I really do know how you feel, and not just saying something arbitrary to make you feel better. Since I’m not good at showing and expressing emotions or even knowing exactly what it is I am feeling, I barely know what others are feeling. But by relating situation to situation, I’m acknowledging what they are feeling now and that I felt a similar way once, so that any advice I give can sound like I’m feeling the right emotion.
As someone who has, historically, been rarely understood, there’s not much I hate more than people telling me how I feel.
So, I LOATHE to act presumptuous in situations like this. Saying “you must feel so…” feels so disrespectful. Saying stock phrases feels hollow. Trying to diagnose how you feel about a situation, instead of letting you tell me, feels like I’m trying to write your thoughts for you.
The only experience I feel any right to is my own. So I share that. Not to shift the attention to me, but to empathize. Because I don’t know what fucking else to say, that doesn’t sound like every motherfucker who says “uwu I’m sorry” when they mean “shut up I don’t care.”
This doesn’t excuse me from being accountable if I’m rude. But intentions do matter, and its important to know that a lot of people work this way when presented with someone else’s emotions.
It is possible to show genuine care for another by talking about yourself. For some, it seems the most respectful way. Whether that’s ok or not, I don’t claim to know. But we’re not narcissists. We wouldn’t rather be talking about ourselves. We use talking about ourselves as a tool to talk about you.
And Sometimes a Potato 